Suffering

After reviewing today, I had a good day, lots to be thankful for. I had a great talk with an awesome friend from far away this morning for an hour. Then had a much needed lesson at my woman's bible study today. Finally had a great lunch with my mom and that was a much needed break from everyday reality. Oh and cant forget the beautiful weather that we had today...car read 55 degrees. I actually opened the sunroof and took in the amazing weather.

As I said before, I really enjoyed my lesson at my study today. We are starting the study on II Corinthians. I know that I'm going to get alot out of this book in the Bible. We are learning about Paul's writings and how even though he had one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad times....he still knew that the Lord had good things planned for him.

It was enlightening to learn that even tho we are hard pressed on every side.....we are not crushed. Even tho we can be perplexed....we are not in despair. Even if we feel persecuted, we are never abandoned. When we are struck down we are not destroyed. And when we are under great pressure, we are despaired even of life.

Paul teaches us how to respond to suffering by letting God comfort us. For He is the Father of compassion, the God of All comfort. He lives with you and will be in you always. Go to the word of God and he will comfort you. We must also rely on His grace and allow Him to renew you day by day. For when we struggle we tend to focus on the struggles. We can not do that. I love the quote that mentor Patty said....worrying chokes out the Word....but the Word chokes out the worries.

"Sometimes you just have to sit and dwell on His grace, warm yourself in His comfort and fix your eyes on eternity!"

To 40 and beyond

So Ive been a bit scatter brained and havent updated the blog for days 31-40....for that I apologize. Life has just been a bit rough and slow. What Ive learnt is that Life is Hard. I think we all know that, just we dont verbalize it very often. Its hard. Its Hard. Its Very Hard. Some times when nothing is going on we often find ourselves that much more confused and lost. Its like we need to be in constant motion to get to something but when its not we are often lost. I think Im to a point where I am just numb. So let me break down in short cliff notes the dare days.

Day 31: Love and marriage
Basically reassure your spouse that you make your marriage a top priority. That even tho your going through hard times...that you wont give up. That you wont leave. That this is whats important to you.

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs
If at all possible try and initiate sex. Yeah that was a tough one. Nothing like the feeling of being shot down.

Day 33: Love completes each other
Basically allow your spouse to be a integral part to your future success. Include them in upcoming decisions. Yeah I did....and he never gave an answer...another day of being shot down.

Day 34: Love celebrates Godliness
Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way..then tell them about it. Hmmm...that was a very hard one to do since I feel that he hasnt been acting in that manner...but who am I to judge. I complimented him on something...but cant remember now.

Day 35: Love is accountable
Find a marriage mentor and even if your spouse wont go and talk with them...make sure you do it for yourself. Which I have a email in to talk to my pastors wife...she is out of town till this week so hopefully I can get in to talk with her soon.

Day 36: Love is Gods word
Commit to reading the Bible every day. Im trying, its hard sometimes...but its just like a habit...you gotta practice at it and make it happen. I do know tho that putting the food of the Lord in me will only make me stronger.

Day 37: Love agrees in Prayer
Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together...if they wont then make sure you do it on your own. Hes not at that place....I continue everyday.

Day 38: Love fullfills dreams
Ask yourself what your spouse would want if it was obtainable. Commit to praying about it and start mapping out a plan for meeting some if not all of their desires. Ive tried on one thing and gave him something to think about.

Day 39: Love endures
Pray and then write a letter of commitment to your spouse about why you are committing to this marriage till death and that you have purposed to love them till death. I wrote a letter....I got a thank you.

Day 40: Love is a covenant
Write out a renewal of vows and place them in your home. If at all possible formally renew your vows before a minister and with family present. At this point it takes two to do that. I can hold up my end...but cant hold up his end.

The book ends at day 40....Im at day 43. I didnt get a Happy anything...words...nothing..said to me yesterday on Valentines day. Im a bit hurt by the fact that I cant even be treated like a regular human being. Today I have been short and quiet with him....yet now that is making him want to talk to me more...but I dont have the oh happiness to talk with him at this moment....maybe thats why he keeps bugging me.

Im sorry that this isnt an upbeat blog. Just one of those days. Very depressed.

Gotta run to an apptment...will update later

Updated Thoughts

I know I need to catch up with my Day 31-33 posts...but I just felt like writing down stuff that is running through my head. I kinda feel a bit deflated at the moment and a bit run down. I really am trying to stay strong and positive, just over this past weekend it really has turned out hard to have the feelings to do that.

Friday night my husband and I had another discussion, and he came out and said that he still loves me but is not in love with me. He can not show me any loving and kind emotions if he doesn't feel it. The hard part of it all is that he can show kind and loving emotions to all his friends and their wives...yet its like he wont even give me the time of day or even the courtesy of how you nicely treat a friend. I feel so left out. I feel so hurt. I feel so belittled. Its very hard to sit around these situations and have it like rubbed into my face. None of our friends treat me as badly as he treats me. They are all very kind and loving and nice to me. Not the case with him. Even some of his friends see it and are concerned for me.

I know its not me that is doing this to him. I know its his disease that he has. I'm just getting really tired of of being in a relationship where there is no equal. Where I don't matter. Where I'm not loved any more. Where my boys are not even getting the love and conversations that they used to get from their step father. I'm soo tired and hurt by all this. It seems so unfair. I guess I keep remembering how he used to be and how nice and kind and loving he always was. He has just done a 180 in a different direction, and I feel like hes pushing us all away. Replacing us with friends. He is constantly always going over to one friends house in particular. I feel bad for their family life as well. Because I see what their family life was like before and how its changed for them too. This disease can take away so much from someone.

I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could see the map that God has laid out for me. I really want to get to the happy X on the treasure map of life. I probably need to start taking the steps I need to take in case I'm going to be a single mom again. I need to find a job that I can handle with taking care of the boys by myself. Because I know I wont be able to count on him...and I shouldn't if he has told me hes done. Plus really how reliable is he with this disease too? Man its all so frustrating and heart breaking. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I'm sorry if this came across as a pity party post...I am just having one of those days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.