Blankness....yet enlightening

Have you ever come across one of those Ah Ha moments yet have a hard time trying to explain it? Its something that enlightens your thoughts yet you wonder why it took so long to realize something so simple. I had one of those yesterday during study. I was listening to the wonderful teacher teach about Forgiveness. Why we should forgive and hand it over to God to take care of. Why carry that burden of consequences on our shoulders after we have forgiven the one that hurt us.

Now while listening and learning my mind decided to keep taking it one step further, and then another step further and then I was hit with an answer to a question I never even asked of myself. Weird how if you let your mind wander, what things it will bring you. I have tried to write and explain what my thought was....just to erase it and try and again...yet just erase it because I couldn't word it correctly.

See I started out with the thoughts of forgiveness that I needed to give to my first two mothers of my life. I was thinking about how I forgave my biological mom for leaving me when I was 7. At a young age I thought that I wasn't good enough for her. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and that is why she stopped visiting me. (my dad had custody of me) I had these yearning thoughts growing up wanting to be with her and live with her. She had 6 other children after me and I always wondered why did she choose to be with them and not me. It didn't help that I was being raised by my second mother that was so mentally abusing to me. I felt that I was being treated differently from my brothers because I wasn't hers. As a young child I felt like I was being treated cruelly yet had no way to speak my voice. Every time I tried to defend myself, I would be made out to be a liar. I mean....don't adults believe adults over children first most of the time??? So whom would believe me? So I spent the rest of my childhood living in fear, living to make her and everyone else happy because I hated the consequences of if I messed up and made someone upset.

Fast forward to now....me being a mother myself. I have always yearned to want to be the ever present mother to my children. Before I had children, I would talk to my (ex)husband about if we had kids, that we would never get divorced because we never wanted to put our kids through what we went through as children ourselves. Yet...what happened? We obviously divorced. Thankfully tho it was done at a point that the boys were very young and hopefully they didn't endure any bad repercussion from it. Then I went out on the adventure of single motherhood. It broke my heart to know that I wasn't there all the time for my children...that the daycare, the teachers, their father, and even my parents would spend more time with them than I would because I was working 45-50 hours a week. I was the one that was picking them up in time to take them home to bed.

After a few years of this, I did end up meeting a wonderful man that I now call my husband. Since marrying him I have been blessed to be able to stay at home and once again care for my children like I had always yearned to. Now that they are a bit older and not the young babies I nurtured daily, and are in school learning to become the wonderful people that they inspire to be. I have from time to time heard the suggestion of getting a job outside the home. And when this suggestion is said, a secret panic button inside me is pressed. Noooo I cant. I will find any and every excuse to buy me more time. =0) Now I know that it would not be the end of the world if I ventured back out into the real world....but yesterday made me realize why I have a hard time with those thoughts.

I guess deep down I have this feeling that if I did go out and work again...that I would be leaving my children. I would be leaving them when they need me!!!! Maybe its not what they would think...but its that inner child in me that pops up and says...NO, don't leave me again. I need a mom there, I need a mom that wont leave me, I need a mom that will love me, and hug me. I realize that I am trying to compensate for what I didn't have when I needed it the most. I have been carrying this inner sadness for along time and never realized it....till yesterday.

So a lesson on Forgiveness turned into a lesson of learning how I'm just crazy LOL!!! No, I know I'm a bit disturbed...but that is why I'm trying to learn all my inner demons and become a better person. I have forgiven my first mom, I know now as an adult she was only doing what she thought was best for me. I know now that I was better off living with my father. I have since forgiven my second mom, because I know now that she was mentally ill herself back then. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. With the help of medication and hand of God....she will eventually become well again, or as close as one can be in with that diagnosis. All her actions and hurt will be her demons to battle and only she will be the one to answer for them. I forgive her...but I am still working through the hurt. I am trying my best to hand it over to God, but one cant be fixed overnight....its an ongoing process...a journey to finding the best you that you are able to be. There were reasons why I was faced with all the hard stuff growing up and in adulthood....I wish I knew now...but I know he will reveal his plan in his own time.

As it is written: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

Peace & Loves to ya!!!