Thursday, April 21, 2011

Divine Romance

For you I sing I dance!!!!!

Gods splendor and grace is an amazing gift that we receive each and every day. Tho times may not be the best and we may be tested in our faith....He is there for us ALL each and everyday!!!

Lately life has not been easy for me. I often feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have always known that life wouldn't be a piece of cake. In fact with my personal experiences I have known that trials and tribulations will always come upon us. I never knew the extent tho to how far deep down within yourself you will have to travel to really learn. Learn about what truly matters in life.

Months ago, I went to God and asked Him to transform Me. I knew that I was headed toward an uphill battle against Satan. I wanted Him to help me become a better person, one full of His glory and grace. For His light to shine through me to fight off the enemy when ever he attacks. I can see how God has been here every step of the way being my teacher. He is helping me when I didn't even know He was here. I know I have become someone different than I was months ago. Its truly amazing to feel the overwhelming sense of peace my life has taken on.

Don't get me I mentioned before, my emotions have been a roller coaster. But I know its been a healthy ride. For we are only human right? But I do know that having faith and believing in Him will help me win the battle I am facing right now. I have been in search of a job....and its been a hard search and sometimes blow to the ego. But I do know that He has a plan for me, and the right job will be there.....God is just helping me while I wait for it to become present. I know that I will need to find a new place to live (not that I want to) but those anxiety fears have not creeped up. I know He will take care of me.

So even during this storm I'm fighting....I continue to have Faith. I believe! I raise my hands and I sing I dance!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

While Im Waiting

Its heartbreaking to know that what I feel today is how the Lord felt when He was waiting for me.


As you lean into God sometimes it seems like the whole world is either passing you by or falling apart all around you. You are changing. You are being transformed. The other people around you don't look the same no more. Your priorities change. Your outlook changes. Life becomes more difficult. Its so hard to comprehend at times why God wants life to be like this. But its not God that is doing it. He wants you to be taken care of. He wants you to be blessed and cherished and nurtured. He only wants whats best for you. To be able to truly SEE what He has in store for sometimes have to go thru the difficult times to become a better person.

I know I am a good person. I know I am a good willed person. I am Gods daughter and he will never forsake me. I trust that He knows what He is doing for me on this journey. As frustrating and hurtful that it is at times. There is a reason for all of this. Satan is telling me that I can fix this. I KNOW that I cant fix it. I have to surrender it all over to the Lord and allow Him to show me what I need to see.

Why is it taking so long? What am I not seeing? Patience is a hard lesson to learn isn't it? Hitting the fast forward button would seem so easy. I know that I am different now. I know that I am someone I wasn't 3 months ago. With Gods love and my prayers to Him...He will provide what I need.

If you can pray for me to seek clarity and direction and continued transformation. For a peaceful heart and a calm mind. For His direction to be shown to me and answers to be answered. If you can pray for my husband and his health and well being. For his heart and mind to be made new by the power of our Father. For him to be open to change not only within himself, but in our marriage. If you can pray for my children that they receive and feel the unconditional love that they so willingly deserve to experience each and every day. For them to know what their Heavenly Father will do for them always. Pray that if He wants me to get a job...that one will open up for me. If He wants me to have a different residency..that one will be shown to me. I am at a loss right now. Don't know which direction my life is headed. I'm having faith and trust as hard as it is.

I really just wanna smile and laugh again.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


After reviewing today, I had a good day, lots to be thankful for. I had a great talk with an awesome friend from far away this morning for an hour. Then had a much needed lesson at my woman's bible study today. Finally had a great lunch with my mom and that was a much needed break from everyday reality. Oh and cant forget the beautiful weather that we had read 55 degrees. I actually opened the sunroof and took in the amazing weather.

As I said before, I really enjoyed my lesson at my study today. We are starting the study on II Corinthians. I know that I'm going to get alot out of this book in the Bible. We are learning about Paul's writings and how even though he had one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad times....he still knew that the Lord had good things planned for him.

It was enlightening to learn that even tho we are hard pressed on every side.....we are not crushed. Even tho we can be perplexed....we are not in despair. Even if we feel persecuted, we are never abandoned. When we are struck down we are not destroyed. And when we are under great pressure, we are despaired even of life.

Paul teaches us how to respond to suffering by letting God comfort us. For He is the Father of compassion, the God of All comfort. He lives with you and will be in you always. Go to the word of God and he will comfort you. We must also rely on His grace and allow Him to renew you day by day. For when we struggle we tend to focus on the struggles. We can not do that. I love the quote that mentor Patty said....worrying chokes out the Word....but the Word chokes out the worries.

"Sometimes you just have to sit and dwell on His grace, warm yourself in His comfort and fix your eyes on eternity!"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

To 40 and beyond

So Ive been a bit scatter brained and havent updated the blog for days 31-40....for that I apologize. Life has just been a bit rough and slow. What Ive learnt is that Life is Hard. I think we all know that, just we dont verbalize it very often. Its hard. Its Hard. Its Very Hard. Some times when nothing is going on we often find ourselves that much more confused and lost. Its like we need to be in constant motion to get to something but when its not we are often lost. I think Im to a point where I am just numb. So let me break down in short cliff notes the dare days.

Day 31: Love and marriage
Basically reassure your spouse that you make your marriage a top priority. That even tho your going through hard times...that you wont give up. That you wont leave. That this is whats important to you.

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs
If at all possible try and initiate sex. Yeah that was a tough one. Nothing like the feeling of being shot down.

Day 33: Love completes each other
Basically allow your spouse to be a integral part to your future success. Include them in upcoming decisions. Yeah I did....and he never gave an answer...another day of being shot down.

Day 34: Love celebrates Godliness
Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way..then tell them about it. Hmmm...that was a very hard one to do since I feel that he hasnt been acting in that manner...but who am I to judge. I complimented him on something...but cant remember now.

Day 35: Love is accountable
Find a marriage mentor and even if your spouse wont go and talk with them...make sure you do it for yourself. Which I have a email in to talk to my pastors wife...she is out of town till this week so hopefully I can get in to talk with her soon.

Day 36: Love is Gods word
Commit to reading the Bible every day. Im trying, its hard sometimes...but its just like a gotta practice at it and make it happen. I do know tho that putting the food of the Lord in me will only make me stronger.

Day 37: Love agrees in Prayer
Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together...if they wont then make sure you do it on your own. Hes not at that place....I continue everyday.

Day 38: Love fullfills dreams
Ask yourself what your spouse would want if it was obtainable. Commit to praying about it and start mapping out a plan for meeting some if not all of their desires. Ive tried on one thing and gave him something to think about.

Day 39: Love endures
Pray and then write a letter of commitment to your spouse about why you are committing to this marriage till death and that you have purposed to love them till death. I wrote a letter....I got a thank you.

Day 40: Love is a covenant
Write out a renewal of vows and place them in your home. If at all possible formally renew your vows before a minister and with family present. At this point it takes two to do that. I can hold up my end...but cant hold up his end.

The book ends at day 40....Im at day 43. I didnt get a Happy anything...words...nothing..said to me yesterday on Valentines day. Im a bit hurt by the fact that I cant even be treated like a regular human being. Today I have been short and quiet with him....yet now that is making him want to talk to me more...but I dont have the oh happiness to talk with him at this moment....maybe thats why he keeps bugging me.

Im sorry that this isnt an upbeat blog. Just one of those days. Very depressed.

Gotta run to an apptment...will update later

Monday, February 7, 2011

Updated Thoughts

I know I need to catch up with my Day 31-33 posts...but I just felt like writing down stuff that is running through my head. I kinda feel a bit deflated at the moment and a bit run down. I really am trying to stay strong and positive, just over this past weekend it really has turned out hard to have the feelings to do that.

Friday night my husband and I had another discussion, and he came out and said that he still loves me but is not in love with me. He can not show me any loving and kind emotions if he doesn't feel it. The hard part of it all is that he can show kind and loving emotions to all his friends and their wives...yet its like he wont even give me the time of day or even the courtesy of how you nicely treat a friend. I feel so left out. I feel so hurt. I feel so belittled. Its very hard to sit around these situations and have it like rubbed into my face. None of our friends treat me as badly as he treats me. They are all very kind and loving and nice to me. Not the case with him. Even some of his friends see it and are concerned for me.

I know its not me that is doing this to him. I know its his disease that he has. I'm just getting really tired of of being in a relationship where there is no equal. Where I don't matter. Where I'm not loved any more. Where my boys are not even getting the love and conversations that they used to get from their step father. I'm soo tired and hurt by all this. It seems so unfair. I guess I keep remembering how he used to be and how nice and kind and loving he always was. He has just done a 180 in a different direction, and I feel like hes pushing us all away. Replacing us with friends. He is constantly always going over to one friends house in particular. I feel bad for their family life as well. Because I see what their family life was like before and how its changed for them too. This disease can take away so much from someone.

I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could see the map that God has laid out for me. I really want to get to the happy X on the treasure map of life. I probably need to start taking the steps I need to take in case I'm going to be a single mom again. I need to find a job that I can handle with taking care of the boys by myself. Because I know I wont be able to count on him...and I shouldn't if he has told me hes done. Plus really how reliable is he with this disease too? Man its all so frustrating and heart breaking. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I'm sorry if this came across as a pity party post...I am just having one of those days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day 30: Love Brings Unity

Unity. Togetherness. Oneness.

Today's reading was leaning on the unity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy being united they all work together...being unbreakable. I'm still trying to soak in this lesson and still trying to comprehend it. I'm kinda at a loss for words on this one. But the Dare for today is: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

So I kinda get it, but kinda don't. I can pick up on things that do separate us in our marriage..and I will pray about it. I will ask God to show me where I may not be united even in my relationships with others. For my goal is to be the best me I can be....and even if my marriage doesn't make it...I do want my relationships with my family and friends to be the best they can be. I just want to live the best life I can live. I just want to be me. I don't want to feel guilty for feeling things and acting certain ways. If I know that I am doing my very best...that's all the matters. I will take compassion on those that feel or think otherwise...but if I know that I am doing what God wants me to do then that's all the really matters. Living our best life is what its all about right?

I'm sorry that I'm lost on this lesson...I will pray about it more. I'm open to any lessons that God is speaking on your heart to tell me. :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 29: Loves Motivation

Today's Dare says: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you:, then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way He love both of you.

With that being said and reading over the literature....what spoke out to me the most was how our attitudes seem to affect our motivations to love. I know that this has been present in our relationship where when one person is in a bad mood...the other tends to feed off of it and now we are both in bad attitudes. When one is in a good mood..we both seem to be in a good mood. Oh the cycle of our bad selves LOL. What Ive learnt from this and past experiences is that I don't need to take things so personally. When he comes in with a bad mood...its not all about me. I need to listen and understand. Show compassion...but when I know I didn't cause him the pain...don't take it that way. I don't need to battle back...but just love him....just as the Lord loves us unconditionally. As quoted in the book..."Love that has God as its primary focus is unlimited in the heights it can attain."

So I'm motivated to live my life for me...for what I feel, for what I know. Lean on God to help me along this path. My life does not revolve around my husband and what he feels....but I will take his feelings into consideration. I will listen and show compassion. But just cuz he is acting one way doesn't mean I need to follow suit. I am my own person. I am not him. Two great people encouraged me today and both not live my life for my life for me...Please God, don't worry about pleasing him. It will all fall into place with Gods hands and help.

Day 26-28

On to Day 26: Love is Responsible

I am learning about taking personal responsibility. Lots of times we are really quick to see and point out other peoples flaws and mistakes. We are sometimes are so quick to find fault especially with our spouses. Heck they are the easiest to blame because we think they should be one way or doing something that we think they should be doing. I'm guilty for this.....thinking that my views and ways are better or more correct than my husbands. And especially going through these tough times....I probably started off with its all about him...all about what he did wrong. Now I'm thinking more like...what did I do, what was my share of the downfall in this marriage. I know its not alllllll my fault. I'm learning that I need to take personal responsibility for my actions and behaviors. Love doesn't make excuses. Love keeps working to make a me and in my marriage.
This doesn't mean I am a doormat and I should surrender all to him...and make it his way or no way. Ive learnt that if there is something that's not right between me and God or me and my husband, then that should be first priority. I am learning to swallow my pride, admit my mistakes and seek for forgiveness.

Day 27: Love Encourages
Today's Dare was to eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in my home. Think of an area where my husband has told me that I'm expecting too much and tell him I'm sorry. Assure him of my unconditional love.

I know that this kinda ties in with the personal responsibility as well. Sometimes we expect soo much from someone that they can not fill or meet those expectations. Sometimes we wanna make a big deal out of it and pick a huge fight over it. When in actuality we are all human. We know men and women are created differently. We all think differently. So instead of trying for find fault all the time...take on compassion and sincerity and even tho they didn't do it right, encourage them for at least trying. By encouraging them for the things they are doing, will only help our relationships grow and become better. It allows others to feel safe with us. I love this line in the book......."You must realize that marriage is a relationship to be enjoyed and savored along the way. Its a unique friendship designed by God Himself where two people live together in flawed imperfections but deal with it by encouraging each other, not discouraging them."

Great lesson to take in and absorb.

Day 28: Love makes Sacrifices
Ill make this lesson short and sweet. This is about what can we do to help our spouse. Its taking an interest in their wants and needs and acting on them without being asked. Its making them a priority in our lives. We would want the same in return right? Someones gotta make the first move.

Another line I liked from the book said " Even when your mates stress comes out in words of personal accusation, love shows compassion rather than becoming defensive. Love inspires you to say "no" to what you want, in order to say "yes" to what your spouse needs." That's the key...what they Need. To truly love we must make sacrifices to make sure our spouses needs are given with our very best effort.

I am trying my best to put all these lessons in to effect in my daily life. To really learn what Love is all about. I can feel myself changing inside and learning to be a better me. Believe me I still have my set backs from time to time....but with prayer and Gods hand on my shoulder I make it thru. Positive thinking and a changed attitude helps alot. As for anything on his behalf......I don't know. He hasn't talked any more about a divorce. He hasn't talked anymore about what is the next step to ending it. He has been nicer. He has actually called me Hon....and has smiled at me. He has been saying Thank you for alot more things that I have done. I could tell you the discouraging things that he has done...but then I wouldn't be putting my lessons into practice. LOL ;) But with prayer it helps me get thru those discouraging times. I am learning that God is not doing this to me...He is doing this for me. So when I get discouraged or down....I try to remember that there is a good reason that this situation is going on. Now that fix it part of me really wants to come out....but that was the other Stefani. This Stefani knows that I cant fix this. I can fix myself. I can lean on my Heavenly Father and he will provide an amazing life for me. For in the end....we can only be held accountable for ourselves in front of God. So whatever discouraging things my husband may do....I turn it over to God and tell Him....Ok, do you see you can take care of it!!! LOL

Day 24-25

So I am not good on my daily updates now am I? I guess we do live in this crazy place called life and there are things that do consume our time. But just know, that God is really consuming my time these days...and oh the little bit of the new season of American Idol....LOL! Seems like Ive been taking a college course and He has been my teacher. Giving me daily homework assignments and lots and lots to think about. I definitely know that this is what I need to be doing now. Ive really made alot of self discoveries lately and even tho its been heart warming, its been kinda jarring as well. We don't really like to see the bad stuff in ourselves now do we?

So I had last left off that I was about to do Day 24 which was Love vs. Lust....It is all about learning that God truly does provide all that we need, and because we are only human we tend to get caught up in those worldly possessions and go on a roller coaster of wants and desires. We sometimes get fixated on all those things that we think will make us happy...and in turn do they really? When if we just have faith and believe that God will provide all our happiness for us we might not ever need to feel like keeping up with the Jones' or be entangled in debt. Sometimes lust comes in forms of possessions or power or prideful ambition.....right along with what you would typically think of lust as.....that lustful eye persay.

By taking on this lesson, Ive learnt that I am so grateful for what God has already provided for me in my life. Its really made me take a step back on why I buy certain things and and crave certain things. I certainly have always been aware of the demon of the lustful eye. I have never craved or even thought about that in my marriage. I love my husband way to much to even fathom those thoughts. My Dare was to Identify every object of lust in my life and remove it. Single out every lie Ive swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Replace all that with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Day 25: Love Forgives
This lesson was whatever I haven't forgiven in my husband, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping my and my husband in a prison too long. This has been easy yet hard. When we dwell on what the other has done to us...we tend to get angry and frustrated. It may change our whole attitude in a matter of minutes if we continue to think about it. Does Jesus do that to us? Does he dwell on it, does he treat us badly? Does he give us an attitude? No! No matter how badly we treat him and take for granted what he has given us....He ALWAYS forgives matter what...and continues to love us soo much! Learning about the true meaning of love has been so eye opening and heart warming. If I want to live a much more fulfilled life...I really need to take these lessons to heart and act on them each and every day! That's my ultimate goal right? To have a more loving and confident and peaceful life. Yes it is.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 19-23

Eeek I let time get away and didn't get around to blogging about all these days. Oh does go on. So the short cliff notes on what these days are about.....

19~ Love is Impossible.....I was suppose to look back over the previous dares and see if any were very hard to do and reflect on why. If so ask God for his strength and grace and where I stand with him.

20~ Love is Jesus Christ.....Dare to take God at His word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for his salvation. Really let Him into my life and hand everything over to him. Know that all things are possible if I truly believe in Him.

21~ Love is Satisfied in God....Be intentional about making time to pray. Really start a habit of picking up that Bible and leaning into His words. He does show his love and promises for us through His writing. By doing this will only make my walk Grow with Him.

22~ Love is Faithful....Learning Love is a choice not a feeling. I was dared to choose today to be committed to love even if my husband has lost most of his interest in receiving it. I let him know how much he means to me and how unconditional it strings attached and no expectations. I let him know that even if he doesn't chose to love me in return...that my love for him will always be.

23~ Love always Protects.....So that leads up to today's lesson I'm learning about. Marriage is made up of many things that include happiness, sadness, great achievements and hard failures. We have so many influences in our day to day lives that we need to protect each other and ourselves from. Like watching too much TV, or spending too much time on the computer, working long hours taking away from family time. We really need to learn how to find that balance that will only allow our relationship to grow. We also need to make sure we keep our eyes on the road so to speak....opposite sex relationships can really undermine your marriage if your not careful and be on guard at all times. Satan will get you if he can and will weasel his way in those cracks if you are not careful.
We also need to protect our spouse by making sure we don't talk bad about them in public. Their secrets are our secrets and we must do everything possible to make sure them feel secure in our relationship so they will feel the love we have for them come out to its fullest. Love hides the faults of others. It covers their shame. Then we move onto parasites, which can latch on to either one of us and suck the life out of the marriage. So this is the part about addictions....we saw it in the movie Fireproof...where he was addicted to pornography. It says in the book that if you love your spouse, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. If you don't, it will destroy you.
Man this really hit me on something that I never thought was an addiction.....but its been stealing my heart....I tend when I get something in my mind to really really dwell and obsess about will take up my mind hours upon hours. I don't really know what you call this addiction...OCD?! But I do know that it is stealing the joy from me. I need to really pay attention to myself when these occasions arise. Learn that I need to stop and pray about it...and just hand it over to God. Then go about my business with something else. Everything will work out in Gods timing. He has a plan for everything. I just need to be strong and learn to trust. With each and everydays worth of practice it Will become easier and easier.

So this is where I'm at. Still ok. Still having faith. Still believing in the best outcome that God wants me to have. Its been kinda weird because Ive been in my own little world lately. Not really talking to many about this. Ive been really leaning into God this time. This is not anyone elses problem and I do not want to unload my crap on top of the crap that is going on in their lives. That is really not fair. Plus after the last weeks lessons....I really don't want to talk bad about my husband to anyone. He is my other half, and talking bad about him is talking bad about me. Its just not right. Yes he is not perfect...but I am not perfect either. If I truly want to learn what God is trying to teach me then I really need to listen to his lessons. I feel funny sometimes talking to myself, or listening to my voice inside my head reassuring me and cheering me on. But I know these are just conversations with God and its all good.

Well tomorrows lesson will be Love vs. Lust.....The world is passing aways, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. -1 John 2:17

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day 16-18

Ahhh Love intercedes.....all about how you cannot change your spouse. Darn it...and I thought it was possible....just kidding. Yes this I do know. We can not change anyone but ourselves. Hence that is why I'm truly enjoying this Love Dare session. Knowing that in the end, the only thing that will be prettier will be who I become. Knowing that I am beautiful no matter what, inside and out. I am truly having faith that God is working his hands in me. I am his clay and he is molding me. I know I cant do this without him. Life is hard. Its no walk in the park. But with patience and kindness and prayer, I know that good things will happen for me.
I know that God is not my magic genie and will grant me all the wishes that I want. But he will give me all that I need to make my life the best it can be. Day 16s dare was to begin praying for my spouse. Pray for exactly what he needs, pray for his heart, pray for his attitude...etc. I know I cant change him....but maybe God can take the wheel and mold him into what he thinks he should be.

Love promotes intimacy. We all have friends and family that we are close with....but there is that total intimate closeness that we only get from our spouse. Who knows our deep dark secrets and guards them with their own heart. Its what happens when we marry. But it can be a double edged sword sometimes. They can either love us at depths we never imagined, or they can hurt us in ways that we may never full recover from. Its our job to make sure that we cherish their secrets and feelings like we would want ours to be treated. Make them feel safe and secure. I never thought of this analogy before....when we got married we took all of our spouses baggage into our life and they did the same for us. We all come with some type of baggage. But its our job to help them feel like they matter, that their baggage is safe with us. That we wont hurt them with what we know. God knows all of our secrets, yet he doesn't hold them over our heads waiting to torment us when we least expect it. No...he gathers us up each and every day and tells us that it will be ok. That we matter. That we are forgiven. So even tho we have done things to hurt our spouses, we must learn to take the steps to move forward and show love inspite of these issues. Listen to what is being said by them and truly feel, cherish and guard their feelings. Once again, do unto others as you would want done unto yourself. I'm really learning, Life is truly not all about me.

Love seeks to I'm learning that I need to study my husband. When we have an interest or a hobby we like, we tend to follow up on it, learn about it and practice at it. We did this when we were fresh into our relationship.....but somewhere along the way it kinda fizzled. We musta figured that hey..we are married now..we must know everything about each other. Well do we really? I guess obviously not if we have hit this point in our marriage. So I need to go back to school and really start to learn more about my husband. Start digging deeper with in him to really learn and understand Him!! If I want this marriage to work out and be the best it can possibly be...then I need to do my part. I know its not all on my shoulders to make it work. But if I can be a leader, a great example to him. If he can see that I am living more peacefully and lovingly...then he might want the same to. For that I pray for!!!

So anyways...sorry that I haven't updated on a daily basis...but I was having troubles finding words to write. Gods working in me...I know that. I'm still doing ok. Day by day, cherishing each and everyday and taking nothing for granted.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Day 15 Love is Honorable

Today's Dare is learning about the word honor. To honor someone is to treat them as being special and of great worth. To be nice, understanding, and to really listen whole heartily when they speak. To be courteous and polite and respectful.

When I took my wedding vows I chose to honor my husband. I chose to treat him like he mattered and let him know that he matters. Sometimes day to day activities and situations attack us from all different angles and we tend to forget that little choice we made. We get caught up in what we are feeling and what matters to us. We become selfish. At one time when we were fresh in our was quite easy to show him how much he mattered to me. Over time, I guess I let that priority slide. He did too. We are human. We are not perfect. But I can chose to regain that feeling. I can suck up my pride and be the first to make a move. If someone don't make the first move then who will. I'm learning that I need to let go of my stubborn pride. Let my pride reflect what Gods pride is. Live my life to show Gods presence in it.

As quoted in the book...."Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most. Of all the things I'm willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you. With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults-past and present-I still choose to love and honor you." That's how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again. And that's the beauty of honor.

I will be marinating on this lesson all day. Things that make you go hmmm??!! ;)

I hope that you are having a great day and that your life is being filled with lots of love and peace.

Day 12-14 Keep on loving

Day 12: Love lets the other win

Day 13: Love fights fair

Day 14: Love takes delight

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday has all seemed so eerily calm given the circumstances of the past few weeks. Almost a sense of peace has fallen upon our house. Its hard to explain, but I feel God is working behind the scenes right at the moment. Sometimes its good to just sit back and allow God to do the dirty work. That is what he is there for right? I truly know that I can not fix this storm, but I do know that he will not forsake me or leave me. He is my Heavenly Father and does not want to see me suffer. So with this sense of peace I'm chalking it up to him taking care of me. My mind has almost bit the dust and needs a break. I'm tired of thinking and wondering and worrying. Ive turned it over to Him to do. Seems a bit strange because I'm so used to trying my best to fix everything. I always wanted to be in control of my life. Now...I'm not, and it feels strange. Not a bad strange tho. Just different.

So for my dares these past few days Ive learnt alot about how in control I always seemed to come across. For love lets the other win.....oh boy, was that a doozy to realize. I always felt that I had to defend myself or my way was the best way and no one could try and change my mind. How selfish of me right?! I know!!! Ive realized that sometimes you just got to let the small stuff go. No two people are alike, and we must pick our battles wisely. Sometimes its best not to say anything at all. Doesn't mean the other one is right, it just means why sweat the small stuff that really isn't gonna make a difference 5 to 10 years from now. It means putting your partners feelings at the top of the list. Wouldn't I want the same respect in return. It was really learning how to fight fair. Knowing that I need to really listen before speaking. Absorb what he may be feeling. Just because he has opinions doesn't necessarily mean I have to agree...but we are each unique and different so I need to embrace that. Just as each one of my friends and family members are different and is my husband. Just because we got married doesnt mean we need to be the exactly the same. If we were what would be the use then?

Which leads to Love takes really putting my husbands thoughts and feelings into consideration...Im really learning to choose to love him rather than just feel love for him. When I make that choice Im opening my eyes wider. Not living so blinded by false ideas. Learning that true love is more powerful and rewarding when everything is laid out on the table. We are all in control of our choices and feelings. We can choose to let something bother us and eat at us, or we can choose to snip the problem right in the bud by looking at each circumstance with our eyes wide open. Its not all about me. Im learning that.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Day 11 Love Cherishes

Answering him, Jesus said "What do you want Me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51)

Today's Love Dare says... What does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or a foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says "I Cherish You" and do it with a smile.

Learning that I need to give this marriage the time and space that it needs to grow and heal, I gave him the space he needed last night. He went off and did what he felt he needed in his life and I breathed in the sweet breath of my children. I went and had a dinner date with them and just really enjoyed their company. We later went and hung out with my sweet cousin and just enjoyed each others company.

I'm really learning that each day is a gift presented to us and I'm learning to not take things for granted. Trying to really live in each and every moment and let God work his hand in all that he needs to do.

Today's Dare I offered up a haircut for my husband. Even tho he didn't want to inconvenience me, I made him aware that I would be more than happy to do this for him. Today's been pleasant and I have been walking around with more smiles.....not because of him, but because of who I am becoming. Sometimes smiles can be someone sweet told me. That's a free gift I can give others as well.

I really don't know what else to write...but know that I am ok. This marathon of life is going slow and steady...but that's the way one succeeds in it right?!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Day 10 Love is Unconditional

So today started out having a pity party for me. I had a quick set back with the tears and the why Me's? Life just felt so overwhelming and unbearable. But after taking a couple hours to just cry it out and let it out. God picked up my hand and comforted me and talked me through it. Stupid Satan was trying his best to get his grips on me when I least expected it. If you let your guard down for just one second he can swoop in there and try and tempt you with ugly, crazy thoughts. Which I know are not true. Which I know are just lies!!!! So I picked up my big girl pants and am moving on. I will not let him get to me the rest of the day.

Today's lesson on unconditional love couldn't come at a better moment. After last nights talk...I thought for a fleeting second that there could be hope on the horizon. That maybe his walls were starting to come down. But to be woken this morning to be told that he still feels nothing and still wants it over, really hit me in the face. As I stood in the shower and tried to wash away the morning battle with Satan...God spoke to me. God told me that what my husband is going through is not about me. He has issues much deeper than whats been laid out on the surface, and I can not fix it for him. This is about him and he is and will be the only one that will be able to work thru what he needs to work thru. I need to let go and let God work with him. I can and will still be there for him when hes ready. I can continue to work on myself and my marriage thru doing these Love Dares. Because the most important thing that I am learning from all what I need to learn about me. To make me the best Me I can possibly be......and not for anyone else.

I will continue to pray for my husband. I pray that he can find that missing piece deep down within himself that he is so lost at trying to find. I pray that he will turn to God and lean on him during his time of sorrow and dispare. For I love my husband so deeply that words can not explain. I do know that loving someone so much can not fix everything. I do know that we all are not perfect....for we are merely human.

Taking this time and learning Gods unconditional love that he has for me will give me the opportunity to see his love grow inside me. For once I can truly comprehend his deep unconditional love and totally receive it, then I can in turn share it. How great would it be to have that whole feeling of being loved with no strings attached. Ive searched for it all my life, yet I seemed to by pass the one being that was always there, always willing to give it to me. I just needed to look up.

Today's Dare is to do something out of the ordinary for your spouse-something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage. Examples were wash the car, clean the kitchen, buy his favorite dessert, fold the laundry......well I do those most of the time so I went a totally different off the wall me silly, but still means I care. I went and bought the best windshield wipers the store sold. I noticed that when driving his truck that his didn't do a very good job, and don't let there be ice/snow on them...oy vey!! I know its something that he would eventually fix...maybe come spring after he got so tired of it or he just so happened to see them at the store and be reminded of them. I would of normally gone the middle of the road price range because..hey they are just wiper blades LOL. But as I was standing there, I thought how much he deserves to have the best. So I didn't think twice and I just picked up the top of the line. I went to where he parks during the day and just dropped them off in his truck.

Learning to love unconditionally seems like an easy task....but the more you think about often do we really love like that. I know it comes easily to me with my boys. Must be because I birthed them. That pain that we felt when we delivered them and just how quickly it fades away. That's the same for when they do something wrong...our quick get over it and carry on is just the same. But why is it totally different to react and try and get over what others do. God has no problem doing that. He is always loving and forgiving us.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Day 9 Love makes good impressions....

Helloooooooo!!!!!! :0) reading the title...I'm sure you can imagine what today's Dare is going to be about. Today I must think of a specific way I'd like to greet him. I must do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change my greeting to reflect my love for him.

It takes me back and makes me remember how when we were fresh into our relationship and how wonderful it was to see each other after being separated for however long during the day. There was always that sense of peace and calmness. Such love poured out from one another and let each other know how important we were to each other. How just coming home and being together made everything alright. Then as time went on, that sense faded. I don't know why it faded....but now I know that it was wrong to let it fade. We let everyday life get in between what was most important to us. I let the actions of what I felt thru the day rub off on my greeting to him. He did the same as well. We are both guilty of this matter. I think we may not be the only couple in the sea that has done this.

I do know tho....that I am making that conscience effort to change that behavior in me....and not only with him...but also with my children, family, friends etc. If I can go to Jazzercise or the grocery store and be completely nice and loving towards complete strangers....why in the world cant I do it to those that matter the most to me. I guess it really does all fall back on to....Do unto others as you would want done unto yourself. I need to stop waiting to see the change and just get off my high horse and make the change myself. If those that encounter me see me with a smile, with a beautiful greeting it might just might make a slight improvement to their day. What better gift can I give to those by helping improve their day. And it don't cost no money. I know when I'm around those the lift me up unconditionally, it really helps me. Its my time to pay it all back.

Soooo.......Hey there!!!! How are YOU doing today? I really hope that you are having a wonderful day....because YOU deserve it!!!!! Huge Hugs!!!!

oh and ps......Since the boys go to their dads tonight again....he would like to have another talk. So continued prayers would be greatly appreciated. I did warn him that there would be no fighting or raising of my voice on my end because I am so over that. I dont know how many more heartbreaking conversations I can continue to have. But I guess if God takes me to it he will lead me thru it, right?! So here goes another day of no eating and stomache full of messed up nerves. What a great weightloss plan right?...Not!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Day 8 Love is Not Jealous

Today's lesson is learning about jealousy. How there is two different kinds of jealousy we deal with. There is the legitimate jealousy which is based on love. Then there is the illegitimate jealousy which is based on envy. Ive learned that I have been holding onto legitimate jealousy because I felt like he turned his heart away from me and was replacing it with something else. I just wanted back what was righteously mine. After having my revelation over the past weekend, I know now that true love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in.

I will start practicing being my husbands biggest cheerleader. Its time to let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in my heart. Its time to let his successes draw us closer together and give me greater opportunities to show genuine love.

So today's Dare was to take yesterdays Negative attributes and discreetly burn them and then share with him how glad I am for a success that he has recently enjoyed. I will become his biggest fan and reject any thoughts of jealousy.

Day 7 Love believes the best

As the days are going on...I do find myself getting closer to God. And the wonderful thing about it is the sense of peace and calmness I'm feeling. Its as if I am hearing clearer. Tho I am still taking it day by day...I can not see what my future holds. But as for today...I'm ok. I still am praying and having faith that it will all turn out beautifully in my marriage. But I'm in a place that I'm ok with whatever Gods path is for me. I am trusting whole heartily in him and know that he will lead me in the direction I need to be.

Ive been surrounded with such great love and concern by so many wonderful people. I know that if I'm feeling the slight bit uneasy...I know I can turn to you all and know that you will help listen and direct me. I am making sure that I am constantly surrounded by positivity. Thru friends, thru motivational emails, thru church and thru motivational programs I can watch. It is all helping fight Satan off and keep him from attacking me.

Day 7's Dare was to take two pieces of paper and on one write all the positive things about my husband. On the other sheet write all the negative things about him. Take them and hide them for now. But then sometime through out the day pick one positive thing about him and point it out to him and thank him for having this characteristic.

I let him know that even tho he is going through lots of pain and frustrations right now in his life...that he still manages to show kindness. He has always had that great quality about him and I thanked him for still showing me kindness. Don't ask what he said back...cuz he didn't say anything at all...and that's good because I don't need to hear anything about me from that comment. That comment was unconditional to him. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of our good qualities.

Still no opening of doors on his end. He is being pleasant and cordial. No arguments or discussions have been had again. One day at a time....and many prayers!!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Weekend Recovery...Day 4,5,6

Taking it day by day is my goal right now. Made it thru the weekend and came out of it with a sense of more peace. On Saturday my Dare was to contact him sometime during the day and ask how he is doing and to see if there is anything I could do for him. I phoned him up while he was at work and we had a pleasant conversation. I really paid attention to what he was saying and acknowledged what he was feeling. I didn't go deep with him. But I did let him know that I was here for him.

On Sunday my Dare was to ask him what causes him to become uncomfortable or irritated with me. As to which I tried but never got a response from. I am not letting that discourage me and will forage on and still try and learn more about myself as the days continue on. The day before tho I had a heartfelt conversation with some friends about an ongoing issue that has probably consumed me over the last year. It has affected me on so many levels and now I know I am able to resolve it and let it go. I thought I was trying my best to do it before, but now I got the help I needed and a different perspective to really learn about the situation better. God is good and God has really helped me. I am learning so much about myself and how I think and how I react. Having a past full of hurt has really jaded my mind and outcome of how I interpret things. When I think I'm being I being nice for all the right reasons? I'm getting it now...slowly but surely.

Today's Dare I'm still trying to wrap my finger around. I got half of it pondering around but I'm confused on the other half. My Dare says...Choose today to react to touch circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I need help understanding what it means to add margin to my schedule. I get the wrong motivations part. I am just confused that is all. I wont let this get to me tho...I will get thru this and learn more about myself.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Another down and on to Day 3

I am very Thankful for all the support and prayers that have been extended out to my marriage. It really means alot to me that we are so loved and cared for. I know God has his hand on us. I can feel it so deeply.

Last night God was definitely present in our conversation. We managed to have a very adult like and mature conversation. I really leaned hard into my Dare last night. I managed to try and not say anything negative when we were talking. I prayed for Patience and God gave it to me. I listened intently and tried to feel his emotions as he was describing them to me. He also had Patience as well when he listened to what I had to say. That was a great feeling to have, to be heard and listened to.

I can not say that it ended all in roses and balloons. He still wants it over...doesn't want it any more. He cant explain it, its just something that he is feeling deep with in. He says that hes not sure if its a mid life crisis or what. But right now he just wants to be single. He just wants it done and over. He will do everything in his power to help make sure that the boys and I are taken care of etc. He still loves me and the boys and feels real bad about this. He said its very hard on him to make this decision.

We ended the night at a complete stand still. Don't know what we will do. Don't know how we will go about handling things. But back in my mind, I know its one day at a time. That's all I can actually do at this moment. That's all the energy I have for anyways. So I guess time will tell.

Today's Dare was to once again not say anything negative and to buy a gift to show a token of appreciation. So bought him a bag of his utmost favorite candy that is very hard to find and left it in his truck for him to find in the morning. I never heard anything back about it....but I'm ok with that because this was an unconditional act of love.

I'm learning that I have done numerous acts of kindness or love always with strings attached. It really hasn't been the best feelings either. Because I am the one always putting myself up to always get taken down a few notches and discouraged. I was the one doing it to myself. Not anyone else. I try and try so hard....but I just didn't Be. Does that make sense? Well it will be a long road to recovery, but I am looking forward to just Being....being me! I'm gonna stop doing with strings attached and if I want to do something for someone...its just because and not to be expecting something in return.

So as I keep learning and leaning and believing....on to another day.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Day 1 gone Day 2 voyages on

The ending result of Day 1 was ok. He came home from work and was pleasant with all. He secluded himself to house paperwork for most of the night. He did eat dinner with the boys and I which is a positive for the day. Must remind myself to find the positive in all things, right? No major conversations were had, and he did leave for an hour to take something to a friend. I was fully aware of my mouth and my being and nothing negative came from me. So I think I passed Day 1's Dare.

Now on to Day 2......I am Dared to Not say anything negative once again today. But also show a simple act of kindness towards him. I started out the morning with a whooo hoo I can do this once again feeling. I packed him a lunch to take with him to work when he left. Really didn't expect anything from it because that was me showing an unconditional act of kindness. Low and behold he Thanked me later this morning. That was very nice to hear.

I am vowing thru with no negativity. Here's the hard part of the day....Since my boys go to their dads this evening, he is wanting to have and I quote " an unhappy chat tonight ". Oy vey....I can already feel Satan's presence looming in for the kill. I am going to keep my vow tho. He told me that this hurts him and also that he is keeping me from my happiness and its not fair to me. I see sincerity behind his icy exterior....I'm continuing on with my faith and believing that God will help guide us and protect us. For he has given us this gift of marriage and we haven't taken good care of this gift. But with Patience, Hope and Love I know he is willing to help restore our gift. I just have to believe. I know we hit rock bottom...but if we both still have love, there is still hope right?

So if anyone is reading this today....I'm asking for heartfelt prayers for this evenings talk. I need God here guiding us. Not Satan and his evil lies and grotesque behavior. I would greatly appreciate it.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Taking the Dare

What does one do when their marriage hits rock bottom? Life has been so difficult lately and it seems like Satan is attacking from every angle. I try and fight him off but he just keeps coming back for more. I know God is there with me....helping me along. But being an imperfect human sometimes I tend to try and fix things myself or just try and take over and not ask him for the help he is so willingly wanting to pass out. So for the last couple days Ive been talking with Him, asking for a sign. Asking what is going to happen? What should I do? Yesterday I felt like just giving in. Saying fine....if my husband thinks its best to call it quits then maybe that's what I should give him. I certainly don't want it, but that's not seeming to help matters at all. What do you do when it feels like, it appears in my eyes, that I am always trying.

Last night, I once again asked for a sign. This morning a thought came to me. It was doing the Love Dare. Oh Ive had this book sitting around for a couple years. Every once in awhile I would try to start it when things were kinda rocky before. But things worked its way out and I never made if far in the Dares. When I read the beginning of the book said that this is a marathon and not a sprint. AND you must complete the whole process!! I guess its like taking an antibiotic every day and finishing the prescription. One wont get over being sick if you don't finish the meds. Right?? Plus....what do I have to loose at this point? In his eyes its over. But he did tell me that he still loves is that a little seed of hope?? Maybe?! So what the heck I will give it a try.

Today (Day 1) starts with Patience. I am dared to not say anything mean to him. If I feel like I'm going that route then I need to shut up and walk away. So far so good...LOL... especially when he hasn't talked to me really yet today. Yesterday he stayed away allllll day until it was time for him to come home and go to bed. Wonder if that will be the case today? Time will only tell. So here is goes...a documentation on if this Love Dare will work for us. Wish I knew of someone that did this before and had amazing results...well besides the movie FireProof LOL. It would be encouraging if not the least.

Here is to Day 1!

oh and ps...the 40th day is the 13th of February....wonder what kinda Valentines day this year will be.