I know I need to catch up with my Day 31-33 posts...but I just felt like writing down stuff that is running through my head. I kinda feel a bit deflated at the moment and a bit run down. I really am trying to stay strong and positive, just over this past weekend it really has turned out hard to have the feelings to do that.
Friday night my husband and I had another discussion, and he came out and said that he still loves me but is not in love with me. He can not show me any loving and kind emotions if he doesn't feel it. The hard part of it all is that he can show kind and loving emotions to all his friends and their wives...yet its like he wont even give me the time of day or even the courtesy of how you nicely treat a friend. I feel so left out. I feel so hurt. I feel so belittled. Its very hard to sit around these situations and have it like rubbed into my face. None of our friends treat me as badly as he treats me. They are all very kind and loving and nice to me. Not the case with him. Even some of his friends see it and are concerned for me.
I know its not me that is doing this to him. I know its his disease that he has. I'm just getting really tired of of being in a relationship where there is no equal. Where I don't matter. Where I'm not loved any more. Where my boys are not even getting the love and conversations that they used to get from their step father. I'm soo tired and hurt by all this. It seems so unfair. I guess I keep remembering how he used to be and how nice and kind and loving he always was. He has just done a 180 in a different direction, and I feel like hes pushing us all away. Replacing us with friends. He is constantly always going over to one friends house in particular. I feel bad for their family life as well. Because I see what their family life was like before and how its changed for them too. This disease can take away so much from someone.
I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could see the map that God has laid out for me. I really want to get to the happy X on the treasure map of life. I probably need to start taking the steps I need to take in case I'm going to be a single mom again. I need to find a job that I can handle with taking care of the boys by myself. Because I know I wont be able to count on him...and I shouldn't if he has told me hes done. Plus really how reliable is he with this disease too? Man its all so frustrating and heart breaking. I just want to cry and cry and cry.
I'm sorry if this came across as a pity party post...I am just having one of those days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Updated Thoughts
Written by Stefani at 3:54 PM
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I'm so sorry things are so difficult. I don't think most people realize that love is a choice not a feeling. I would lovingly suggest to you to not place the responsibility of his unwillingness to choose to not show you love on a disease. It is his choice, his responsibility. He has to own that. You can choose to show him unconditional love, kindness and respect. And he has to choose to return it as well as to address whatever the disease is. If he doesn't, well that is a bridge you will cross when/if you get there.
I will pray for a heart change in him and for him to own what is his. And while happiness may be hard to come by in these circumstances I will pray you find joy. You are growing and being refined by this process. I am proud of you for putting your all into trying to save your marriage. You are seeking God's will and He delights in you. Much love.
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