Sunday, November 3, 2013


Starting... Where to start.... I think a lot of us get an overwhelming feeling when we decide on something but then realize.. Where do you start?? And after thinking about it get even more overwhelmed and just give up and walk away.
I am actually kinda feeling like that... But i took a moment and prayed about it and asked for God to show me where I need to start... And what came to me was... Myself.. What do I give toward myself? What do I do for myself and how do I treat myself?
I am so good at giving to others.  Treating others as I would want to be treated.  Helping,  encouraging, and loving others.... That i tend to neglect myself.
I cant remember when the last time i actually took time for myself that didn't have an agenda attached to it.   I mean.. Yes.. I go shopping and by myself clothes... But its for work.. A necessity to what I need to do on a daily basis. But I cant remember the last time I loved myself and bought something for myself where i did it just because.   I know I have bought things for people... Just because. So why don't I deserve that same treatment? Ahhh the thoughts of being selfish creep in.   Who said it was selfish?? Who is calling me selfish?   I am.  I am my own worst critic.  
I can fill my week and make it busy doing and giving to others that i cant even fit time in for something i really want to do. I feel like that is being selfish.   I place everyone elses wants,  desires,  and needs before myself.  I try to be the best mom,  daughter, friend,  etc... That i can be. I spread myself so thin that I don't have nothing left to give to myself.... And most times.. To God either.
I fill myself with busyness and duties that I overwhelm myself and end up crashing and burning.  I don't eat right and the pounds start piling on and then negative self image talk comes around.  Its a crazy cycle within myself and I don't know how to get off.  Until now... Hopefully... I need to be the mature one in my life and take control. I need to really start focusing on me and really find what makes me happy. I mean really.... I have this one chance to live this life... Why not live it being happy and fully satisfied? No one else is living this life... They are busy living their own. I cant let others control who I am and what I become.... That's just setting it up for a natural disaster. But I can lean into God.... Quiet myself daily with him.... Take that time to have a face to face conversation with Him and recharge myself.  Daily! There is nothing selfish about that.  He is my partner and love of my life.... Nothing wrong with that at all.
So the time i take to commit to others needs to be balanced with the time I commit to God and to myself. This is the first step. I have deep down known this.. But to realize it and play it out in my own life will be a new experience.. A new commitment...........

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