Suffering

After reviewing today, I had a good day, lots to be thankful for. I had a great talk with an awesome friend from far away this morning for an hour. Then had a much needed lesson at my woman's bible study today. Finally had a great lunch with my mom and that was a much needed break from everyday reality. Oh and cant forget the beautiful weather that we had today...car read 55 degrees. I actually opened the sunroof and took in the amazing weather.

As I said before, I really enjoyed my lesson at my study today. We are starting the study on II Corinthians. I know that I'm going to get alot out of this book in the Bible. We are learning about Paul's writings and how even though he had one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad times....he still knew that the Lord had good things planned for him.

It was enlightening to learn that even tho we are hard pressed on every side.....we are not crushed. Even tho we can be perplexed....we are not in despair. Even if we feel persecuted, we are never abandoned. When we are struck down we are not destroyed. And when we are under great pressure, we are despaired even of life.

Paul teaches us how to respond to suffering by letting God comfort us. For He is the Father of compassion, the God of All comfort. He lives with you and will be in you always. Go to the word of God and he will comfort you. We must also rely on His grace and allow Him to renew you day by day. For when we struggle we tend to focus on the struggles. We can not do that. I love the quote that mentor Patty said....worrying chokes out the Word....but the Word chokes out the worries.

"Sometimes you just have to sit and dwell on His grace, warm yourself in His comfort and fix your eyes on eternity!"

To 40 and beyond

So Ive been a bit scatter brained and havent updated the blog for days 31-40....for that I apologize. Life has just been a bit rough and slow. What Ive learnt is that Life is Hard. I think we all know that, just we dont verbalize it very often. Its hard. Its Hard. Its Very Hard. Some times when nothing is going on we often find ourselves that much more confused and lost. Its like we need to be in constant motion to get to something but when its not we are often lost. I think Im to a point where I am just numb. So let me break down in short cliff notes the dare days.

Day 31: Love and marriage
Basically reassure your spouse that you make your marriage a top priority. That even tho your going through hard times...that you wont give up. That you wont leave. That this is whats important to you.

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs
If at all possible try and initiate sex. Yeah that was a tough one. Nothing like the feeling of being shot down.

Day 33: Love completes each other
Basically allow your spouse to be a integral part to your future success. Include them in upcoming decisions. Yeah I did....and he never gave an answer...another day of being shot down.

Day 34: Love celebrates Godliness
Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way..then tell them about it. Hmmm...that was a very hard one to do since I feel that he hasnt been acting in that manner...but who am I to judge. I complimented him on something...but cant remember now.

Day 35: Love is accountable
Find a marriage mentor and even if your spouse wont go and talk with them...make sure you do it for yourself. Which I have a email in to talk to my pastors wife...she is out of town till this week so hopefully I can get in to talk with her soon.

Day 36: Love is Gods word
Commit to reading the Bible every day. Im trying, its hard sometimes...but its just like a habit...you gotta practice at it and make it happen. I do know tho that putting the food of the Lord in me will only make me stronger.

Day 37: Love agrees in Prayer
Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together...if they wont then make sure you do it on your own. Hes not at that place....I continue everyday.

Day 38: Love fullfills dreams
Ask yourself what your spouse would want if it was obtainable. Commit to praying about it and start mapping out a plan for meeting some if not all of their desires. Ive tried on one thing and gave him something to think about.

Day 39: Love endures
Pray and then write a letter of commitment to your spouse about why you are committing to this marriage till death and that you have purposed to love them till death. I wrote a letter....I got a thank you.

Day 40: Love is a covenant
Write out a renewal of vows and place them in your home. If at all possible formally renew your vows before a minister and with family present. At this point it takes two to do that. I can hold up my end...but cant hold up his end.

The book ends at day 40....Im at day 43. I didnt get a Happy anything...words...nothing..said to me yesterday on Valentines day. Im a bit hurt by the fact that I cant even be treated like a regular human being. Today I have been short and quiet with him....yet now that is making him want to talk to me more...but I dont have the oh happiness to talk with him at this moment....maybe thats why he keeps bugging me.

Im sorry that this isnt an upbeat blog. Just one of those days. Very depressed.

Gotta run to an apptment...will update later

Updated Thoughts

I know I need to catch up with my Day 31-33 posts...but I just felt like writing down stuff that is running through my head. I kinda feel a bit deflated at the moment and a bit run down. I really am trying to stay strong and positive, just over this past weekend it really has turned out hard to have the feelings to do that.

Friday night my husband and I had another discussion, and he came out and said that he still loves me but is not in love with me. He can not show me any loving and kind emotions if he doesn't feel it. The hard part of it all is that he can show kind and loving emotions to all his friends and their wives...yet its like he wont even give me the time of day or even the courtesy of how you nicely treat a friend. I feel so left out. I feel so hurt. I feel so belittled. Its very hard to sit around these situations and have it like rubbed into my face. None of our friends treat me as badly as he treats me. They are all very kind and loving and nice to me. Not the case with him. Even some of his friends see it and are concerned for me.

I know its not me that is doing this to him. I know its his disease that he has. I'm just getting really tired of of being in a relationship where there is no equal. Where I don't matter. Where I'm not loved any more. Where my boys are not even getting the love and conversations that they used to get from their step father. I'm soo tired and hurt by all this. It seems so unfair. I guess I keep remembering how he used to be and how nice and kind and loving he always was. He has just done a 180 in a different direction, and I feel like hes pushing us all away. Replacing us with friends. He is constantly always going over to one friends house in particular. I feel bad for their family life as well. Because I see what their family life was like before and how its changed for them too. This disease can take away so much from someone.

I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could see the map that God has laid out for me. I really want to get to the happy X on the treasure map of life. I probably need to start taking the steps I need to take in case I'm going to be a single mom again. I need to find a job that I can handle with taking care of the boys by myself. Because I know I wont be able to count on him...and I shouldn't if he has told me hes done. Plus really how reliable is he with this disease too? Man its all so frustrating and heart breaking. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I'm sorry if this came across as a pity party post...I am just having one of those days. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Day 30: Love Brings Unity

Unity. Togetherness. Oneness.

Today's reading was leaning on the unity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit....how being united they all work together...being unbreakable. I'm still trying to soak in this lesson and still trying to comprehend it. I'm kinda at a loss for words on this one. But the Dare for today is: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

So I kinda get it, but kinda don't. I can pick up on things that do separate us in our marriage..and I will pray about it. I will ask God to show me where I may not be united even in my relationships with others. For my goal is to be the best me I can be....and even if my marriage doesn't make it...I do want my relationships with my family and friends to be the best they can be. I just want to live the best life I can live. I just want to be me. I don't want to feel guilty for feeling things and acting certain ways. If I know that I am doing my very best...that's all the matters. I will take compassion on those that feel or think otherwise...but if I know that I am doing what God wants me to do then that's all the really matters. Living our best life is what its all about right?

I'm sorry that I'm lost on this lesson...I will pray about it more. I'm open to any lessons that God is speaking on your heart to tell me. :)

Day 29: Loves Motivation

Today's Dare says: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you:, then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way He love both of you.

With that being said and reading over the literature....what spoke out to me the most was how our attitudes seem to affect our motivations to love. I know that this has been present in our relationship where when one person is in a bad mood...the other tends to feed off of it and now we are both in bad attitudes. When one is in a good mood..we both seem to be in a good mood. Oh the cycle of our bad selves LOL. What Ive learnt from this and past experiences is that I don't need to take things so personally. When he comes in with a bad mood...its not all about me. I need to listen and understand. Show compassion...but when I know I didn't cause him the pain...don't take it that way. I don't need to battle back...but just love him....just as the Lord loves us unconditionally. As quoted in the book..."Love that has God as its primary focus is unlimited in the heights it can attain."

So I'm motivated to live my life for me...for what I feel, for what I know. Lean on God to help me along this path. My life does not revolve around my husband and what he feels....but I will take his feelings into consideration. I will listen and show compassion. But just cuz he is acting one way doesn't mean I need to follow suit. I am my own person. I am not him. Two great people encouraged me today and both said...to not live my life for him...live my life for me...Please God, don't worry about pleasing him. It will all fall into place with Gods hands and help.

Day 26-28

On to Day 26: Love is Responsible

I am learning about taking personal responsibility. Lots of times we are really quick to see and point out other peoples flaws and mistakes. We are sometimes are so quick to find fault especially with our spouses. Heck they are the easiest to blame because we think they should be one way or doing something that we think they should be doing. I'm guilty for this.....thinking that my views and ways are better or more correct than my husbands. And especially going through these tough times....I probably started off with its all about him...all about what he did wrong. Now I'm thinking more like...what did I do, what was my share of the downfall in this marriage. I know its not alllllll my fault. I'm learning that I need to take personal responsibility for my actions and behaviors. Love doesn't make excuses. Love keeps working to make a difference....in me and in my marriage.
This doesn't mean I am a doormat and I should surrender all to him...and make it his way or no way. Ive learnt that if there is something that's not right between me and God or me and my husband, then that should be first priority. I am learning to swallow my pride, admit my mistakes and seek for forgiveness.


Day 27: Love Encourages
Today's Dare was to eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in my home. Think of an area where my husband has told me that I'm expecting too much and tell him I'm sorry. Assure him of my unconditional love.

I know that this kinda ties in with the personal responsibility as well. Sometimes we expect soo much from someone that they can not fill or meet those expectations. Sometimes we wanna make a big deal out of it and pick a huge fight over it. When in actuality we are all human. We know men and women are created differently. We all think differently. So instead of trying for find fault all the time...take on compassion and sincerity and even tho they didn't do it right, encourage them for at least trying. By encouraging them for the things they are doing, will only help our relationships grow and become better. It allows others to feel safe with us. I love this line in the book......."You must realize that marriage is a relationship to be enjoyed and savored along the way. Its a unique friendship designed by God Himself where two people live together in flawed imperfections but deal with it by encouraging each other, not discouraging them."

Great lesson to take in and absorb.

Day 28: Love makes Sacrifices
Ill make this lesson short and sweet. This is about what can we do to help our spouse. Its taking an interest in their wants and needs and acting on them without being asked. Its making them a priority in our lives. We would want the same in return right? Someones gotta make the first move.

Another line I liked from the book said " Even when your mates stress comes out in words of personal accusation, love shows compassion rather than becoming defensive. Love inspires you to say "no" to what you want, in order to say "yes" to what your spouse needs." That's the key...what they Need. To truly love we must make sacrifices to make sure our spouses needs are given with our very best effort.

I am trying my best to put all these lessons in to effect in my daily life. To really learn what Love is all about. I can feel myself changing inside and learning to be a better me. Believe me I still have my set backs from time to time....but with prayer and Gods hand on my shoulder I make it thru. Positive thinking and a changed attitude helps alot. As for anything on his behalf......I don't know. He hasn't talked any more about a divorce. He hasn't talked anymore about what is the next step to ending it. He has been nicer. He has actually called me Hon....and has smiled at me. He has been saying Thank you for alot more things that I have done. I could tell you the discouraging things that he has done...but then I wouldn't be putting my lessons into practice. LOL ;) But with prayer it helps me get thru those discouraging times. I am learning that God is not doing this to me...He is doing this for me. So when I get discouraged or down....I try to remember that there is a good reason that this situation is going on. Now that fix it part of me really wants to come out....but that was the other Stefani. This Stefani knows that I cant fix this. I can fix myself. I can lean on my Heavenly Father and he will provide an amazing life for me. For in the end....we can only be held accountable for ourselves in front of God. So whatever discouraging things my husband may do....I turn it over to God and tell Him....Ok, do you see this....now you can take care of it!!! LOL

Day 24-25

So I am not good on my daily updates now am I? I guess we do live in this crazy place called life and there are things that do consume our time. But just know, that God is really consuming my time these days...and oh the little bit of the new season of American Idol....LOL! Seems like Ive been taking a college course and He has been my teacher. Giving me daily homework assignments and lots and lots to think about. I definitely know that this is what I need to be doing now. Ive really made alot of self discoveries lately and even tho its been heart warming, its been kinda jarring as well. We don't really like to see the bad stuff in ourselves now do we?

So I had last left off that I was about to do Day 24 which was Love vs. Lust....It is all about learning that God truly does provide all that we need, and because we are only human we tend to get caught up in those worldly possessions and go on a roller coaster of wants and desires. We sometimes get fixated on all those things that we think will make us happy...and in turn do they really? When if we just have faith and believe that God will provide all our happiness for us we might not ever need to feel like keeping up with the Jones' or be entangled in debt. Sometimes lust comes in forms of possessions or power or prideful ambition.....right along with what you would typically think of lust as.....that lustful eye persay.

By taking on this lesson, Ive learnt that I am so grateful for what God has already provided for me in my life. Its really made me take a step back on why I buy certain things and and crave certain things. I certainly have always been aware of the demon of the lustful eye. I have never craved or even thought about that in my marriage. I love my husband way to much to even fathom those thoughts. My Dare was to Identify every object of lust in my life and remove it. Single out every lie Ive swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Replace all that with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Day 25: Love Forgives
This lesson was whatever I haven't forgiven in my husband, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping my and my husband in a prison too long. This has been easy yet hard. When we dwell on what the other has done to us...we tend to get angry and frustrated. It may change our whole attitude in a matter of minutes if we continue to think about it. Does Jesus do that to us? Does he dwell on it, does he treat us badly? Does he give us an attitude? No! No matter how badly we treat him and take for granted what he has given us....He ALWAYS forgives us...no matter what...and continues to love us soo much! Learning about the true meaning of love has been so eye opening and heart warming. If I want to live a much more fulfilled life...I really need to take these lessons to heart and act on them each and every day! That's my ultimate goal right? To have a more loving and confident and peaceful life. Yes it is.